My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
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We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*