Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
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The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
You wish you had this many chins.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
I’m sure it’s fine.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣