Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
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if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations