*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
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What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.