My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
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i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?