me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
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Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot