[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
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a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks