Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
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my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.