The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
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A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.