We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
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If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher