My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
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After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
“i miss shittin on people”
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”