Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
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Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.