My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
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me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
The French cow says MEUX…
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.