When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
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What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.