-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
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Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do