Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
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2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
The only equipped I am is ill.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground