Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
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Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Buying a well is money well spent.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔