When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
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I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
the answer was staring at me all along
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!