Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
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Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?