I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
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Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Tony Hawk, age 6
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE