At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
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Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
classic mixup
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.