It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
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My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.