I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
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wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
and now we wait
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
meow
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.