My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
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[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.