I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
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my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.