NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
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Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER