Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
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I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
no cat here
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs