[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
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Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?