Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
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What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
The Others (2001)
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.