me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
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The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
spot the difference
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.