[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
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19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Found the job I’m suited for
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm