“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
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Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
This was a bad idea all around
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.