Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
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Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno