(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
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Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.