ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
You Might Also Like
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe