me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
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[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
it must be school picture day
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie