Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
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As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
How your email finds me
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Namaste
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?