Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
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When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Something Saturday.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.