One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
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I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
omg leave her alone
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.