There is no “we” in pizza
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Am I having a stroke?
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
We found love in a hopeless place.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.