The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
You Might Also Like
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Always the camel, never the toe.