[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
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Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
A great tip. #CakeRex
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
what kind of cook setting is this??
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Just this preview of the story is enough
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.