The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
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“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
spicy snake
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Awesome parenting 😂
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.