When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
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Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings