My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
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DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
i was baptized in a car wash
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.