Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
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Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance