In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
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If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma