Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
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If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft