It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
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My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.