Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
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A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?